When Innovation fails: Hurdles to successful married life
One of my mentor’s WhatsApp status read like this: ‘Our dreams are different, so are we’. It’s one of my favourite quotes.
People are different. Our dreams are different. The first hurdle in any marriage is attaining ‘symbiosis’: A mutually beneficial relationship.
The word ‘symbiosis’ is used frequently when we talk about ‘nature’. More specifically, when we talk about how various insects and plants in the forest share resources among themselves. The relationship between sea anemones(look at the picture below) and clownfish is a good example.
As Wikipedia best quotes: ‘the clownfish feeds on small invertebrates that otherwise have the potential to harm the sea anemone, and the faecal matter from the clownfish provides nutrients to the sea anemone. The clownfish is protected from predators by the anemone’s stinging cells, to which the clownfish is immune.’
Let’s come back to them soon!
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All the best partners I have admired had one thing in common: ‘They brought out the best in each other’. When I looked at them, I could see how much they respected each other, I could see how much they understand and trust each other.
But, before they could experience this ecstatic feeling, they have to overcome the biggest hurdle: developing ‘empathy’ for each other. Before they could bring out the best in each other, every couple has to understand each other’s idiosyncrasies. It’s important to understand each others goals, ambitions, what excites and shut-off the spirits!
But, wait. If developing ‘empathy’ is the way to make marriages successful, Is it easy to develop empathy? and how do we do it?
Is it easy?
My answer(you are not going to like this one!), It depends. I say that because it really depends on how each couple approach to understanding each other.
Good news though, I could tell how we could develop empathy(Bing!!!!).
Putting in the context of innovation, think of this stage when a new team is formed.
Think of the efforts we put in to understand the strengths of our teammates. I would say this is really crucial to the success of any innovation project.
I should know if Rachael values ‘being on time’ for a meeting as much I do. I should know if bringing snacks to the meetings would excite Sarah. I should know if Lee would like to start every meeting with a lame joke(trust me, people like this exists).
Our leadership coach recently quoted: ‘Understanding each other is not always pleasant. But, it’s worth it’. Yes, it’s definitely worth it. The attempt matters.
Before any team attempts to understand and care deeply to innovate a product for their customers, teams should attempt to understand each other.
All newlywed couples experience at this during their initial days: ‘A feeling that the other person is an alien(not literally, but it’s the feeling that you have to put efforts in understanding a completely new person)’.
Now, Imagine how the sea anemone would have felt when he saw clownfish for the first time?
Sea anemone: ‘Who is this new species?’
Clownfish:’Who is this new species?’
A lot of time this is how we feel getting into a new team: ‘Who is this new species?(Not even human)’. But, yeah! we gotta get along!
Most marriages are still arranged marriage in the world. In that case,
How can we understand an alien? How can we develop empathy?
I feel that the easiest way is by testing ‘I thought you were like this’ (assumptions we have about each other) very early.
Gear up. This is the time you become a scientist!
Because, as scientists do to test out their assumptions we are going to run a few experiments! The easiest experiment is by initiating a conversation, through communication.
As scientists do, before every experiment you should know what assumptions you are testing and how you should validate it. (If you don’t understand this sentence, it’s okay. A lot of new jargons, I understand. Move on. Keep reading!)
‘Communication’ might sound a little mundane actually. I agree. But surprisingly, most marriages fail because partners don’t communicate with each other or attempt to understand each other’s goals, vision, passion, and drives.
The second best and my favourite way to empathise is by observation. Simple silent observation. Fancily, we call this as ethnography research in the innovation process. It’s an important method to understand customer needs during any innovation process. Because what people say they want and what they actually want are not always the same.
Thirdly, we could test our assumptions with the help of experts. For example, talking to elders in the family, or your partner’s brothers, sisters, best friends. They could tell you an ample lot of information which your partner would not very likely tell.
To quote an example, ask your mom about her initial days of cooking for your dad. Ask her about her initial days of being silent during family conversations around her in-laws. Ask your mom about how her wardrobe and fashion sense evolved after marriage.
On a lighter note, trust me, your mom is the best person to learn about ethnography research (Wink!!).
Ask your parents, about the edges of behaviour they have to cut to be likeable to each other. Successful partners do this not just to be admirable to be each other. They do this because, this is how they attain a shared vision, this is how they understand similarities and differences.
Testing assumptions through communicating, & tacitly observing to understand your partner needs are the ways to empathise with our loved ones. This is the way to symbiosis! It all starts with a mild admiration for each other’s qualities and ends in an unflinching trust between each other.
How would the conversation between sea anemone and clownfish continued?
Sea anemone: ‘I am going to sting you’
Clownfish: ‘Lol, I am immune to it’
Sea anemone: ‘All right, now bugger off’
Clownfish: ‘Oh, wait. I can give free food! You can save your sting cells’
Sea anemone: ‘I have more than needed sting cells, but, yeah! did you tell free food?’
Clownfish: ‘Yes, free food for the rest of your life. can I be around you?’
Sea anemone: ‘I don’t mind! you look cute though. It doesn’t hurt to have a beautiful lady around for the rest of my life.’
Clownfish: ‘I don’t like show-offs. I’m leaving then. I can live alone’
Sea anemone: ‘I can protect you from your predators. You know that. Stay around me. I might as well need a company for the rest of my life’
Clownfish: ‘All right! looks like we have a deal. But, don’t show-off too often’
Sea anemone:’Yeah, I will try! Welcome to my cave’
I really wanted to end by saying: ‘This is how we bring out the best in each other.’
But, this is not just the best example to quote the above.
They got along well in the end. That’s good news.
I know you could connect the dots.
You are smart!
~Rahul vignesh Sekar
P.S: The first of this 3 article series on innovation could be found in this link.
P.P.S: Hello readers, I am writing a third and last part of this series where I am putting together these ideas based on my experience during a ‘make-athon’ last week. This 5 days make-athon is an innovation project where we ideated, designed and prototyped safety solutions for ice hockey players in NFL, USA.
